Not Me Monday!

I love the new Not Me! Monday button! Isn’t it delightful?! I’ve got some real humdingers of things that I did not do this week. I’m so glad that I can get it out here today!

~I did not laugh at Prince Charming when he cracked his ankle against his desk chair that I have repeatedly asked him to move out of our bedroom. Seriously, I did not cackle. That would have been SO mean and something that I would definitely not do. Not me!

~I did not climb into bed, under the freshly washed (after Ridley peed on them!), cool, yummy smelling sheets only to hear a rrrrrrrrriiiiiiiippppppp. Nope, the fitted sheet certainly was not wearing thin in our three years of marriage. My toe did not catch whatever the “thinness” was and there is definitely not a shredded hole in the sheet at this very moment. Not me!

~As I left a client’s home this week, I did not leave my check on top of the car as I drove away. The check certainly did not go fluttering to the ground. I definitely did not get a phone call from my client reminding me of my pathetic (postpartum) forgetfulness. I did not embarrassedly (is that a word?) drive back to my client’s house to get my check. I’m 100% positive that I did not turn red at all. Nope, not me!

~My little man and I did not go to Walmart on Saturday. I do not dislike that store so much that I would never darken the door. Around these parts, Walmart is not known as “little Mexico.” So, throughout the entirety of the store, I was not stalked by two Hispanic men. Do they think that they’re being inconspicuous?? Wrong!! Finally, on the way to the checkout, I did not glare at them and I certainly did not make it obvious that I knew what they were doing. I mean, gross! Whatever is there to look at?? A fat, post-pregnancy-bodied woman pushing a cart with a baby in it! Woohoo! Hawt, I know! Pleeeaasseeee! We will not further discuss the Walmart experience which also did not include nearly getting hit by a psycho driver as I put the buggy away in the corral. All the psychos were obviously NOT out at Walmart on July 4th evening. Nope! They must have all been home celebrating with their families and friends! Something like this would never happen to me!

~As my sister and I drove down the highway this week, we did not see two horses in the ditch beside the highway. These horses definitely did not look like they might have gotten out of the pasture with all the other horses. So, I didn’t bother calling 911 to report them. If I had called 911 the conversation would probably have gone something like this:

911 operator: “911 Emergency, where are you calling from?”
Me: “I have a non-emergency. We are traveling down Highway ___ and there are these two horses in the ditch beside the road. It looks like they got out of their pasture. I just want to make sure that they won’t get run over.”
911 operator: “Are you near the _____________ Home?”
Me: (pause) “Uh, yes.”
911 operator: (chuckle) “Oh, that man ties those horses out there all the time to eat down the grass.” (Obviously they don’t get a lot of calls about the horses!)
Me: “Oh, okay. Just wanted to make sure that they were okay.” (embarrassed laugh)
911 operator: (chuckle turned into full guffaw)
Me: (embarrased laugh, again) “Thank you!”
911 operator: “You have a good day hun! Be careful driving.” (guffaw, guffaw)

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