I am convinced that losing a child is something that you never “get over.” Yes, it’s something that becomes easier to talk about and easier to deal with, but you never forget. It doesn’t matter how long you knew a little one was growing inside you, or how long you got to spend time with them in person…the love you feel is intensely full and possessive and the pain of loss indescribably immense when you lose a child to heaven.
Today is only the second July 9th that I have experienced since the miscarriage of our first baby. In one sense it feels like forever ago, but when I think about the pain and heartbreak that I felt, it seems like yesterday. The grief is still there. Seasoned with grace, yes, but it’s still there.
I was “only” 5 weeks pregnant. We were surprised, overjoyed and incredibly in love. I was feeling SO good, but now that I’ve had a healthy pregnancy, I know that the “good” that I was feeling was actually bad. I was counseling at our church youth camp…one thousand miles away from my husband when “it” happened. I will never forget the horrible, crampy pain that I felt all-of-a-sudden in my lower back. It was at that split second, I knew that my baby’s life was living eternally in heaven. Boy, as I write this…it’s really like it was yesterday…tears are flowing.
My mom and my sister were there for me and so supportive, concerned, worried etc. They were two of the very few people who knew that I was pregnant. They had me rest, but nothing would stop it. My sister was able to take over my counseling position which was a huge load off of me. I was flat on my back in the nurse’s station for the rest of the week. (I started miscarrying on Monday.)
Here is an e-mail that I wrote to my friends and family while in bed:
“i just wanted to write and ask you to pray for me. i’m in PA this week at our church youth camp. i’m supposed to be counselling, but i’m in bed going through a miscarriage. yes, i found out that i was pregnant a little over a week ago. needless to say, ernie and i were both elated!!
well, yesterday i started feeling really bad and just had this gut feeling that i was losing this baby. it’s really really hard to go through this especially being away from home and away from ernie. i’m thankful that my family is here. it’s hard for them too, but they are amazing and so supportive.
the Lord is also using this in my cabin to soften the hearts of my girls. kelly (my sister) has been wonderful and is subbing for me right now until i can get up and back into the normal (although i’m going to take it really slow) routine. i have had thoughts like “why did God even bring me here for this to happen?” but I know that it is for my good and for His glory. this is truly a walk of faith for me…not easy at all.
it is amazing that though i feel like i’m in a deep, dark valley, i know God’s presence so clearly…maybe even more so than if this hadn’t happened at all. He is right here beside me, underneath me and all around me. He brings songs, verses, poems and even just phrases to my mind to comfort me in this. the grief that i feel is so so deep, but His love goes deeper still.
i’m rejoicing that my little one is in heaven being rocked to sleep by his/her Heavenly Father who cares more for him/her better than i ever could. i’m also thankful that God took this little one early and i’m not having to go through the grief of a still born child. even when the storms are raging inside my mind and my body, Jesus has come and said, “peace be still.” i believe that and am comforted. i love each of you so much and i’m so blessed that you all are my friends.”
From my former xanga blog…written one month later:
“I have to say that the work that God did that week was amazing!! Not just in my life, but in the lives of others. Before camp, God put the theme of “thankfulness” on my heart to emphasize in my cabin. I truly believe in His complete sovereignty. Little did I know that I was going to have a prime opportunity to show Christ in the most difficult circumstance of my life. The work that God did in the lives of the girls in my cabin was astounding. They were SO tender towards Him. As I told them my story toward the end of the week, we were all tearfully praising God for His goodness and mercy to us. Even through this deep, dark trial, He made me thankful. This is truly, only a miracle of grace.
This poem encouraged me continually through this time:
My Father’s way may twist and turn,
My heart may throb and ache.
But in my soul I’m glad I know,
He maketh no mistake.
My cherished plans may go astray,
My hope may fade away
But still I’ll trust my Lord to lead,
For He doth know the way.
Tho’ night be dark and it may seem,
That day will never break;
I’ll pin my faith, my all in Him.
He maketh no mistake.
There’s so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight’s far too dim;
But come what may,
I’ll simply trust And leave it all to Him.
And by and by the mist will lift
And plain it all He’ll make.
Through all the way, tho’ dark to me,
He made not one mistake.
By A. M. Overton
As I remember this precious little person who is praising Jesus in heaven, I miss this little life. I wonder if “it” was a boy or girl. I wonder what kind of personality he or she would have had. But, I rejoice knowing that this little one awaits me in heaven. I am also more-than-words-can-tell thankful for our Ridley McCheyne who God gave to us…to nuture, to love, to hold, to heal our hearts and to make our little family unit complete. I’m not sayin’ that I don’t want more children, I DO! But you know what I mean, right?
So from earth to heaven today, “I love you my angel baby. I’ll see you soon, ok?”
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Wow. I can't say much except, Yes! I second all of that.
My miscarriage started when I was away from home at a women's retreat. I knew what was happening, but I tried to pretend it wasn't happening because I didn't want to believe it.
I'm glad you had such good support to help you through. I didn't for my first miscarriage, and we eventually left our church because of it.
[[HUGS]]
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Precious post! Reading it made me tear up remembering how incredibly hard that day/week was, but how God gave you such amazing strength. It truly was awesome how God worked in the hearts of your girls in the cabin through your response to the trial God gave you first hand that week.
I love you sis!!
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My sister just miscarried her first baby and I am going to send her the link to this post, because I think she doesn't know that she isn't alone. So many people have told her to move on, she was only 6 weeks, it really wasn't a baby, she'll have more…but that isn't the point. It was her baby and now that baby is gone. Thank you for this sweet post!
Helen Joy
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Oh, such a sweet, loving post! I am so glad that you had such great support during this time, even if you had to be away from home.
{{HUGS}}
Robin
)
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Thank you for your testimony & for your openness. Praying for you!
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How very sorry I am to hear of your miscarriage. I too lost a baby. I was 14 weeks along. It is such a private pain- one no one will talk about unless of course they too have had a miscarriage. I am glad you were able to bring glory to God during your suffering. He must have been so proud of you! God is good all the time. Praise the Lord He has blessed you with a son. From my miscarriage I learned compassion. I realized just how selfish I had been when people around me were hurting. All of the sudden, I was now more aware of those around me who were going through a difficult. I learned the words: I love you, I’m so sorry, I’m here for you, are just what a grieving person needs to hear. A hug, a prayer, a letter of support-exactly what a grieving person needs. I realized all to often I had been avoiding someone going through a hard time simply because I didn’t know what to say. How selfish of me to put my feelings before their’s. Most of the time the rejection hurts more than a word that’s not “fitly spoken.” I’ll never forget how I felt when my “friends” avoided me when they heard I lost my baby. I’ve learned you don’t have to even say anything- a hug and genuine tears say it all. My friend, if you’ve lost a baby-you’re not alone; neither is your baby-he’s with our loving Saviour! God is good all the time!
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I just read this post- I can empathize. We lost our 1st baby in Aug 08. I was 8 weeks along. I still miss my baby- though God gave us a darling baby girl July 09! We look forward to meeting our 1st child one day!
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Forgot to write- I thought it was neat- this post was written on the day my baby girl was born! She has been such a comfort to us!
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I just read this for the first time and your words are so true. We lost our 2nd baby on July 10th 2007 … so you and I were experiencing the same thing at the same time … I was only 5 weeks too. You’re right – we’ll never truly get over it. It just becomes easier to deal with as time goes on…
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..To Love Their Husbands Tuesdays: Back Rubs =-.
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Wow… I relate to so much of this! We lost our first pregnancy at 10.5 weeks. I was sitting in church that morning wrestling with the Lord as I knew I was loosing the baby growing inside of me. We had been so excited to find out we were pregnant and couldn’t resist telling our friends and family. I remember our pastor that day talking about how the tomb was a womb for Jesus… that there had to be death for new life… and all day and over the course of the next week those words twisted around in my mind because I knew that my womb was a tomb for my beloved peanut. We grieved… and honestly I think my husband had an even harder time than I did. Eventually God blessed us again. One year to the day (8.26.09) from our miscarriage (8.26.08) our precious Avery Howard entered the world… And I also relate to the incredible weight gain! It’s been a journey of learning to believe my husband when he tells me he’s attracted to me in my changed body. Thanks for writing this post. It’s always helpful to hear from other women (and there are so many!) who have lost babies too.
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Wow, those are such beautiful memories of a time that could have kept you down in a pit of sorrow. Instead you used it as a form of testimony and triumph. To know the He remains. We grow, and His peace consumes.
Yes, as my sis (Rena of insertgracehere.com) would say, “Love covers!”
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Thank you for writing this. We lost our first at 6 weeks along in April 2007, and our second at 12 weeks on August 1, 2007. As the 1st of August just recently came around, I suddenly remembered what happened on that day, again, 3 years ago. You never forget. No one really, fully understands unless they’ve been through it too. 2 losses, and not knowing why or if we would ever carry a baby to term, we got pregnant again, and had a beautiful baby boy on December 19, 2008. He is our pride and joy, and I can’t wait until we all meet our other 2 bundles waiting for us in Heaven, someday!
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Hello. Thank you for sharing your story. I, too, had miscarried our first baby March 9, 1999. Yes, it has been 11 1/2 years and I still think of her and always pause on March 9th of every year to think of how she touched my life. She taught me that God is in control of all situations. We now have a wonderful 9 year old son and a beautiful 7 year old daughter and are truly blessed.
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Myra Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Oh Paula, just reading your comment made me tear up. Women who haven’t been through a miscarriage don’t know. They don’t get it. It is always so comforting to meet someone who does. ((hugs))
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Finding your blog and this post couldn’t have come at a more timely for me. Thanks so much for sharing how God has walked you through this. We had our first loss, our third child on July 13, this year. We went in for a check up ultrasound, I was 15 weeks. I really liked that poem, thanks
I needed it today.
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Myra Reply:
October 1st, 2010 at 3:17 pm
Oh Valerie, my heart breaks with you and for you. I so know where you are and where you’ve been. Hugs and Blessings. It does get easier, but you won’t ever forget.
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Thank you so much for this post! I just lost our baby this past summer. I still have trouble looking at certain things like diaper bags because I was looking into buying one before the baby died. It was only eight weeks old and I’ve been told that it wasn’t a baby and it didn’t have a soul, but I believe it did. We are blessed with three older kids and I truly appreciate the wonder that is them.
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I know this wasn’t an easy blog for you to write but I wanted to let you know that God used it to really encourage my heart. My husband and I lost our baby 2 weeks ago. Being our 1st pregnancy and the fact that we were about nine weeks along we were starting to tell people about it. Although everyone has been very kind and praying for us (my doctor included, I’m thanking God for his blessings even threw this), unless they’ve been through the same thing they really don’t understand. So again, thank you for being willing to open your heart and share.
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Myra Reply:
December 1st, 2010 at 11:31 pm
Oh girl. I’m praying for y’all. It’s so so so so hard. ((hugs))
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. My first two pregnancies ended in miscarriage. One at four weeks and the other at seven. They were both extremely painful physically and emotionally. God carried us through and blessed us with two healthy boys. Some days I still miss my precious babies so much and have so many questions about what might have been. I know one day I will meet them and that brings me joy!
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Thank you so much for sharing this. I lost a baby at 7 weeks, it really doesn’ tmatter how early you ar ein your pregnancy ..a loss is a loss. I praise God for the amazing daughters of God that were around me to lift me up and encourage me. I was surprise though at how dismissive some people could be just because I wasn’t that far along. Thank you again so much for sharing, its a blessing to know that i’m not the only one to know how valuable life is even when its only just begun
God bless
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Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal message. I too, know the feeling of loss. My first five pregnancies ended in miscarriage. I am blessed now to have two healthy and amazing daughters. I look forward to one day meeting the other five angels that I had a part in creating.
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Hi Myra,
I found your blog through Amy at http://www.positivelysplendid.com/.
I just wanted to tell you how moving I found this post to be.
I can’t really say that I know what it is like to miscarry a child, but I can say that just reading your post made me feel like I was going through it and I am still crying now.
I feel so blessed that God gave me two beautiful healthy biological children and two awesome step-children.
Reading your posts makes me feel like Rachel…(who posted in Jan. 2010)…I have learned compassion, which I thought I already had, but sometimes I too do not know what to say in difficult situations. Reading your post just tore me up and I was amazed at how strong you stayed in your faith.
God really is good and I’m so happy he blessed you and your Husband with a healthy child later.
I really love that you remember the child all the time, just as if it had been born and had lived in this world.
So many people seem to view an unborn child as just a “thing”, not human (and I don’t mean the women who miscarry, I’m talking about some people who never had one or those who think abortion is okay).
I’m not trying to get into the politics of it all, I realize that is a sensitive subject, but I just want to tell you what an amazing woman I think you are and how you inspired me with your Faith and love for God!
Bless You!
Lisa H.
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Myra,
Just read this post today and enjoyed reading how God brought you through your sorrow and also how He has worked in the lives of so many other women. Our baby girl was stillborn in November of last year. We knew for months that she probably would not make it even to 30 weeks, but God kept her with us all the way until 39. So thankful for her precious life with us, and even more thankful for the hope of heaven–She is even more alive now! Praise God! It is fun to think about all our children in heaven together–praising Jesus Christ…and maybe even rooting for their mommies to keep on doing the same.
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Myra Reply:
April 21st, 2011 at 10:54 pm
Aww, Beth. My heart and prayers have been with you. “I love this: It is fun to think about all our children in heaven together–praising Jesus Christ…and maybe even rooting for their mommies to keep on doing the same.” Well said! xo
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I just read this today and I’m right there with you. We lost a baby at 11 weeks in 2007 after a surprise pregnancy. Just about the time we were getting used to having a 4th child, I had a follow-up appointment with my urologist because of previous kidney stones. The ultrasound technician looked at my kidneys and then asked if I wanted to see the baby. When I saw the image, I knew something wasn’t right. Her comment was “You are definitely pregnant, but not 10 weeks.” It just didn’t look like what I knew it should look like. My husband had just had major surgery and I knew I was that far along, despite what the ultrasound showed. I made an appointment with my doctor who called it a healthy 5 week pregnancy. Again, not possible. A blood test revealed what he thought was multiples (hence the unidentifiable ultrasound image) but a 2nd test showed that my hormone levels were dropping and I would eventually lose the babies (in my heart, I feel like it was twins). About a week and a half later, it happened. It wasn’t painful but I ended up in the hospital after passing out from weakness. I was released without further testing that would have shown that I was missing 2 pints of blood and sent home to recover. About 6 weeks later, I was short of breath, extremely tired and dizzy. My iron levels had dropped to almost nothing and I needed a blood transfusion. It was about 6 months before I was felt good enough that I could heal emotionally. I know that God had a purpose for what we went through and I have quit questioning what it was. Since then, there have (unfortunately) been several times where I was able to hold someone’s hand who had gone through a recent miscarriage and say “I’ve been there. I know how you feel.”
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Hi Myra,
I really can’t remember how I started following your FB page, but today I read about Ridley’s upcoming surgery and began praying. When I looked at your blog and saw the link to your “miscarriage” post, I read it and felt like you were writing about my miscarriage. I lost our angel baby (whom I named Noah Joel which means rest; in peace & the Lord is God – even though I do not know the sex of our baby) 3 years ago on March 26, 2008. I was 9.5 weeks along. Everthing you said, the poem you posted, the letter you wrote, the feelings while you were away at the camp (I was also away from home visiting my dad and family in Wash, DC (I live in TX)). Wow, girl! We have alot in common! Too bad we have to realize that through this baby lost mamma’s club we NEVER thought we’d be in. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I’m praying, not only for Ridley and you and your husband and the doctors tomorrow, but also your heart, which will forever be changed due to the loss of your little one. We will NEVER forget but with God’s Grace, we know we will keep going.
Love, hugs and prayers,
Amanda
Amanda Hoyt´s last [type] ..Hoyt Family HOUSE News!
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Hello! I found your blog today from the Circle of Moms 25 Top Blogs contest–voted for you and wish you luck, by the way! Anyway, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m still recuperating from my third miscarriage, and just had to share with you the amazing thing the Lord did for me exactly one week ago today. I hope it will bring more of the Lord’s peace to your heart!
Love, Misty
http://www.encouragingheartsathome.com/2011/05/30/of-baby-lost-and-found-and-the-pink-balloon/
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I just found your blog through Good Morning Girls. SO appreciate your story. I went through a miscarriage the week before December 2010, my baby was about 6 weeks!
I am always thankful for when I find blogs of women who have gone through a similar experience it helps me process our loss!
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Myra Reply:
June 16th, 2011 at 2:59 pm
Awww, Jayne, Thank you SO much for your comment. Hugs and many, many blessings to you and your family.
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Beautiful Post
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A girlfriend shared your link with me today because of the circumstance I am going through now. I have 3 beautiful boys, ages 11, 4 and 21 months. During my last c-section, I had my tubes tied. 2 weeks ago I went to be GYN because of having a lot of spotting and clotting and weeks away from starting my period. She performed a pap and sent me on my way. Tuesday morning, July 5th, I woke up feeling like I was in labor (as much as I thought I could be since I had 3 c-sections). I spent 4 hours crying in pain, never imaging what was really going on, though teasing about how I felt like I was in labor. Things finally settled down pain wise so I went about my day. Within a few hours, I was discharging tissue. To knew something was wrong. I felt it in my heart that I was losing a baby. The doctor thought I was ridiculous but humored me anyway and gave me a pregnancy test. He was shocked to find out it was positive; so much so that he made me take another one (though we both knew there was no false positive). Of course, the second one came back positive so he sent me to the hospital where I underwent the next 3 days of blood work, ultrasounds and pelvic exams. On Wednesday, the only thing we were able to confirm is that my HCG level dropped and I was indeed miscarrying.
Yes, I tied my tubes because my husband and I both decided it was financially the smart thing for us to do. We’re young and having kids could go on for another decade for us, easily! But the instant I saw the positive pregnancy test, my heart simutaneously leaped for joy and was filled with love, yet greiving immensely. Nothing prepares you to lose a precious life inside of you. I’ve laid in bed all week, resting my body, going through the greiving process. The worse part: wondering if it was a girl. My situation is rare and I don’t want to say it makes it harder because there is no easy way to lose a baby, but I am just devastated at the thought of still being able to get pregnant but not being able to carry. I know God will work good into this, so I hold on to the hope.
Thank you for sharing your story and allowing me to share mine. Here’s a small poem I wrote and had printed out to frame:
Dear Little One:
We didn’t know you were coming
We never got to meet
We never got to hold you
We never heard your small heart beat…
But we will love you forever
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Thank you for sharing. I’m a middle aged mom of three grown daughters, and am just finishing the recently published book, Heaven Is For Real…and even as a christian, the story has shed light on this issue that I had never considered. Bless you!
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Oh girl…I understand all the what ifs and the could-a-been wonders but isn’t it aamazing knowing that when our time comes our angel babies will welcome us home? I’m praying for your heart today…my day is around the bend as well.
kristen´s last [type] ..Recipes to Try #6
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I also had a miscarriage a little over 3 years ago…it was without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with! As a mother, the mother carrying that child, it is so easy to place blame on our own shoulders, we miss that child even though they were not inside us long and we never held the baby as we would have otherwise. For me, I blamed myself for a little while (until I came back to God and realized it was simply His will to take our baby so soon). Now that our son is 5, and the kids would have been close in age, I find myself missing her even more. Just imagining my son and daughter playing together, being best friends, celebrating holidays together….but I trust God and have so much hope in knowing we will all one day do these things together. My husband and I planted a tree in our yard the following Autumn. Sadly, the tree didn’t make it (so we thought). For a year, it appeared to be dead. Then God gaves us the hope we needed…the next Spring, there were leaves….then buds….then beautiful pink flowers. That tree is so very precious to our family
I’ll be keeping you in my prayers today….may you be filled with joy knowing you will one day look into your child’s eyes 
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I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand your pain. I miscarried 4 yrs ago last month. I still remember it like it was yesterday. Time does make it easier to talk about and I don’t feel like I’m falling apart everytime I think about her (I’m convinced it was a girl), but I will never forget. I was 5 weeks along when I found out I was pregnant and 7 weeks when I lost her. I knew the second it happened and I spent an entire day driving all over town visiting clinic and clinic and Dr. office after Dr. office looking for someone who would tell me it wasn’t true. I found no such person. It was ultimately 2 blood tests, 2 days apart that told me my HCG levels were dropping and I was losing her. I cried for a week straight, partly because I was losing a baby I wanted so badly, but also because we had only told a couple of people. I felt such incredible guilt for not telling our kids that they were going to have a new sibling. I felt like we missed the opportunity to truly celebrate her life while we had the chance. I guess in hindsight, it was better for them to not have to deal with that at their young ages…but still…:’( I think we’ll tell them at some point when they are older. They deserve to know about their Guardian Angel!♥
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I am so sorry for your loss and I can not even begin to understand the pain you feel. I read a book a few weeks ago called Heaven is For Real. If you have not read it you should. It will make you cry a little, smile a lot and feel oh so good about knowing that you will be reunited with your baby in heaven. Here is a link to the book. God bless you and your family.
Tammy Schrader
http://www.amazon.com/Heaven-Real-Little-Astounding-Story/dp/0849946158
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I am so sorry for your loss. We have a angel baby also we miscarried back in March 2009 and the pain is still with me. I did go on to have healthy pregnancy (we conceived nine months later on the exact month I would have been due I know God gave us our miracle on that month for a reason) and I have one-year-old daughter who brings me joy everyday but that loss is always with me and I think for all women our losses are with us forever. I am there for all the women who have suffered a loss or who are going through one I am not afraid to tell my experiences and let people know what happened to us. Our angel babies are with us always!
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just prayed for you, sweet girl
sending love your way.
Darlene´s last [type] ..my current favorite song
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As most everyone has already said, Thank you for this posting, it has moved me so much I cried reading it and still want to cry writing this. God is good isn’t he? But there are times that are hard to accept as good, trials we go through that bring us right to our knees. I lost my little one at 7 weeks “it” was to be my 3rd. I really doesn’t matter wether its your first ..or your third, a loss is a loss. And althought I am so greatful that my loss came early, rather than later…it is still a loss. My heart broke, my husbands heart broke, and I felt such sadness for others that had carried and lost further along, I can’t imagine their anguish
I praise God for the mercy He showed me. And 8 weeks after my miscarraige, before I even knew I could get pregnant again I was! #3 came anyway..and alas #4 also . God IS good, He can restore what is lost. I am not exactly sure the date I lost the baby, I was in denial the first 4 days. I choose to remember that babies due date May 18th..and although that day brings me sadness to, we try to commemorate it ..i reminded my husband this year that our baby would have been 3. I am happy thought to be celebrating #3′s 3rd birthday on July 15th! GOD IS GOOD! God bless you all and my sweet christian sisters. God will renew you, He will restore you, He is faithful. Bring your burdans and your greif to Jesus he knows your pain, and it pains Him too!
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I should correct what I said …4 babies here ..1 in heaven. But I know you all know what I meant <3
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Thank you for this post. I have had two miscarriages and this really rings true for me. It is so hard. Thankfully, three months ago, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, our Samuel. His name means “asked of God,” and he truly is an answer to our prayer. May our Lord bless you!
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What a beautiful post that unfortunately rings true for so many of us. I was 6 weeks along when I lost our 2nd baby. Over and over during my grieving I felt the Lord asking me, “Am I still good?” I had to relearn the answer to that question. Yes Lord, You are still good; my circumstances don’t change Your character. God has used my pain over and over through the 5 years since my miscarriage to minister to other women in the same position. The verses that really speak to me are II Corinthians 1:3-4 “All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”
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I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I had two miscarriages over 30 years ago and I still think about them from time to time. I am happy to say God blessed me with two daughters and five grandchildren. I also wrote a post about mine called “God’s Timing is Perfect” if you are interested in reading it is on my website. May God bless you and comfort you.
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