I am convinced that losing a child is something that you never “get over.” Yes, it’s something that becomes easier to talk about and easier to deal with, but you never forget. It doesn’t matter how long you knew a little one was growing inside you, or how long you got to spend time with them in person…the love you feel is intensely full and possessive and the pain of loss indescribably immense when you lose a child to heaven.
Today is only the second July 9th that I have experienced since the miscarriage of our first baby. In one sense it feels like forever ago, but when I think about the pain and heartbreak that I felt, it seems like yesterday. The grief is still there. Seasoned with grace, yes, but it’s still there.
I was “only” 5 weeks pregnant. We were surprised, overjoyed and incredibly in love. I was feeling SO good, but now that I’ve had a healthy pregnancy, I know that the “good” that I was feeling was actually bad. I was counseling at our church youth camp…one thousand miles away from my husband when “it” happened. I will never forget the horrible, crampy pain that I felt all-of-a-sudden in my lower back. It was at that split second, I knew that my baby’s life was living eternally in heaven. Boy, as I write this…it’s really like it was yesterday…tears are flowing.
My mom and my sister were there for me and so supportive, concerned, worried etc. They were two of the very few people who knew that I was pregnant. They had me rest, but nothing would stop it. My sister was able to take over my counseling position which was a huge load off of me. I was flat on my back in the nurse’s station for the rest of the week. (I started miscarrying on Monday.)
Here is an e-mail that I wrote to my friends and family while in bed:
“i just wanted to write and ask you to pray for me. i’m in PA this week at our church youth camp. i’m supposed to be counselling, but i’m in bed going through a miscarriage. yes, i found out that i was pregnant a little over a week ago. needless to say, ernie and i were both elated!! well, yesterday i started feeling really bad and just had this gut feeling that i was losing this baby. it’s really really hard to go through this especially being away from home and away from ernie. i’m thankful that my family is here. it’s hard for them too, but they are amazing and so supportive.
the Lord is also using this in my cabin to soften the hearts of my girls. kelly (my sister) has been wonderful and is subbing for me right now until i can get up and back into the normal (although i’m going to take it really slow) routine. i have had thoughts like “why did God even bring me here for this to happen?” but I know that it is for my good and for His glory. this is truly a walk of faith for me…not easy at all.
it is amazing that though i feel like i’m in a deep, dark valley, i know God’s presence so clearly…maybe even more so than if this hadn’t happened at all. He is right here beside me, underneath me and all around me. He brings songs, verses, poems and even just phrases to my mind to comfort me in this. the grief that i feel is so so deep, but His love goes deeper still.
i’m rejoicing that my little one is in heaven being rocked to sleep by his/her Heavenly Father who cares more for him/her better than i ever could. i’m also thankful that God took this little one early and i’m not having to go through the grief of a still born child. even when the storms are raging inside my mind and my body, Jesus has come and said, “peace be still.” i believe that and am comforted. i love each of you so much and i’m so blessed that you all are my friends.”
From my former xanga blog…written one month later:
“I have to say that the work that God did that week was amazing!! Not just in my life, but in the lives of others. Before camp, God put the theme of “thankfulness” on my heart to emphasize in my cabin. I truly believe in His complete sovereignty. Little did I know that I was going to have a prime opportunity to show Christ in the most difficult circumstance of my life. The work that God did in the lives of the girls in my cabin was astounding. They were SO tender towards Him. As I told them my story toward the end of the week, we were all tearfully praising God for His goodness and mercy to us. Even through this deep, dark trial, He made me thankful. This is truly, only a miracle of grace.
This poem encouraged me continually through this time:
My Father’s way may twist and turn,
My heart may throb and ache.
But in my soul I’m glad I know,
He maketh no mistake.
My cherished plans may go astray,
My hope may fade away
But still I’ll trust my Lord to lead,
For He doth know the way.
Tho’ night be dark and it may seem,
That day will never break;
I’ll pin my faith, my all in Him.
He maketh no mistake.
There’s so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight’s far too dim;
But come what may,
I’ll simply trust And leave it all to Him.
And by and by the mist will lift
And plain it all He’ll make.
Through all the way, tho’ dark to me,
He made not one mistake.
By A. M. Overton
As I remember this precious little person who is praising Jesus in heaven, I miss this little life. I wonder if “it” was a boy or girl. I wonder what kind of personality he or she would have had. But, I rejoice knowing that this little one awaits me in heaven. I am also more-than-words-can-tell thankful for our Ridley McCheyne who God gave to us…to nuture, to love, to hold, to heal our hearts and to make our little family unit complete. I’m not sayin’ that I don’t want more children, I DO! But you know what I mean, right?
So from earth to heaven today, “I love you my angel baby. I’ll see you soon, ok?”
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