BE AWARE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF BEING HOOFED IN THE DUDELY JUNK. IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

1.Don’t leave the house alone after dark. Ever. You’re asking for it.

2.If you MUST leave the house after dark, go out with a buddy or in a group. That way if you get attacked by a junk-hoofer, there is a chance she might go after someone else’s junk, not yours.

3.Don’t wear anything provocative like jogging shorts or soft pants. Keep a jockstrap on at all times.

4.Walk confidently, stay in well-lit and well-populated areas, be aware of your surroundings, and make eye contact with any females you pass to let them know you’ve seen them. Junk-hoofers tend to target dudes who are isolated and who look weak, confused, or lost.

5.Call a dude friend or your parents and let them know where you’ll be and for how long. That way, if you don’t contact them again within the arranged time frame, they can assume you might have been hoofed in the junk and could very well be lying on a sidewalk somewhere with your testicles up in your abdomen.

6.YOU are responsible for your own safety. Call your local police department or junk-hoofing crisis center and set up a schedule for a Law Enforcement Officer to speak to your employees or neighbors.

7.Hold your murse close, not dangling, and keep it in front of your junk.

8.Keep car doors locked at all times. While walking to your car, look under car. Before entering your car,look into the back seat and on floor board: females are often smaller in stature and can hide easily in any of these places waiting to hoof you in the junk. Always have your keys ready to unlock the car door and enter without delay. Never walk across the parking lot digging in your murse for your keys; have them in your hand before leaving the building.

9.When you return home, have your door key ready so that you can enter without delay.

10.Flee if you are in a potential junk-hoofing situation. Yell or scream to attract attention. Carry a whistle that will make a loud noise.

11.Engage in passive or active resistance. Passive resistance is to think and talk your way out of a situation. Active resistance is to react immediately to startle the junk-hoofer. Use any available item (AXE BODY SPRAY, KEYS, MURSE) as a weapon.

12. You are most likely to be hoofed in the junk by an intimate partner. Contact your local hoofed in the junk shelter to make a plan for leaving. Be sure not to leave evidence of contact with the hoofed in the junk shelter on your phone or computer. Gather important documents in a hiding place and absolutely do not let your hoof junker discover your plans. Go to your local hoofed in the junk shelter. Gather evidence for a protective order against your junk hoofer. You will need photographic evidence of your testicles in your abdomen (which a female judge will view) and testimony from other witnesses (preferably females with whom you have no personal relationship) to obtain an protective order. With a protective order, the police may arrest your hoof junker when she shows up to hoof you in the junk again. You must wait for your hoof junker to try to hoof junk you before she can be arrested.

IF YOU ARE HOOFED IN THE JUNK:

The Sheriff’s Department can only arrest a junk-hoofer if they are made aware of the offense. If you are hoofed in the junk, call 911 or the Police or Sheriff’s Department IMMEDIATELY.

DON’T CHANGE CLOTHES OR TAKE A BATH OR SHOWER and do NOT EAT or SMOKE or CHEW GUM. All physical evidence, including shoe imprint, hair, blood types, and scrapings of shoe materials from the victim’s groin area are used in court. Avoid using the bathroom prior to the exam if possible. Be sure to fill out a junk-hoofing kit, which you can be sure will sit in the police office for years unentered into the police database since they are so backed up with the amount of junk-hoofings that occur every year.

Finally, remember this to practice being observant so that, if your junk is hoofed, you will be able to remember and identify the assailant. You may follow the advice and safety tips recommended and still find yourself confronted by a hoofer. If it happens, you will have only seconds to decide your method of defense, so you must prepare mentally for the possibility of a junk-hoofing happening to you.

Addendum from Mearl: Please don’t be so silly as to expect that junk-hoofing will ever get listed as a “hate crime” despite the fact that statistics show 1 in 4 men will be hoofed at some time in his life. The prevalence of false junk-hoofing accusations and overwhelming evidence that the accuser actually wanted to be hoofed, or is just trying to exploit the more economically advantaged accused, results in more than 80% of hoofing cases to be abandoned before even reaching court. It’s just the way things go, boys. Suck it up.

Thanks for bringing up this topic. It is a very important one. And I did something even dumber many years ago when I was in Italy. I still shudder when I think about it.